Exploring Mindful Grief: A Journey for Families and Professionals
MISS Foundation Families and Professionals, please mark your calendars for Labor Day Weekend, 2010:
September 2, 3, & 4, 2010 *Sunday, September 5 – MISS Facilitator Training (*restricted to MISS Foundation Facilitators only)
Fiesta Resort 2100 S. Priest Drive Tempe, Arizona 85282 Accommodations: $69/night room rate for single and double occupancy, includes complimentary shuttle within a 5 mile radius which includes Sky Harbor Airport
* Online Early Bird Conference Registration – Tentatively Scheduled to begin January 2010
Early Bird Registration Fees: (through August 1, 2010) * Bereaved Parent - $150 per person * Children Grief Camp - $60 per person * Professionals - $375 per person
Regular Registration Fees: (After August 1, 2010) * Bereaved Parent - $225 per person * Children Grief Camp- $100 pp * Professionals - $450 pp
Conference registration fees cover conference all meals and morning and afternoon snack.
WATCH YOUR EMAIL & MISS SITE IN THE COMING WEEKS FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Creative prompt: using lists of 100 for appreciation...
In the face of great loss and grief, it can be very difficult to feel grateful for the life you are left living. After our son died, when holidaze like Thanksgiving came up and people began talking about "finding gratitude," I felt nothing but guilt and shame. I felt obliged to be grateful, but didn't feel gratitude for anything. Gratitude seemed to invoke a sense of being indebted to some Higher Power, some sense of taking pleasure, when quite frankly, Goddess let me down and destroyed my heart & pleasure senses when She took my son from me. While it may seem like a subtle difference to most, I found a huge chasm between the guilt & shame of gratitude and the real feelings of appreciation I could tap into even in the darkest moments.
Eventually I looked up the definition of appreciation and found that it means things like: sensitive awareness, aesthetic value, and an increase in value. I could tap into those ideas in ways that gratitude and pleasure were just not available for me anymore. One of the ways I worked it to open the values of appreciation was to begin keeping lists of what I appreciated the most. I have a whole journal of "Miracles of Appreciation." Some days I would struggle to make a list of 5. Other days, I would push myself. I wanted to really get to the heART of my appreciation of the life I was living now. On those days, I would push to make a list of 100. Coming up with 100 items really takes you past the surface, makes you stop, think, consider, appreciate, acknowledge consciously.
So here we are this year, again in the midst of another holiday season, with lots of messages about Attitudes of Gratitude flying around the net and media and even at our own holiday tables. And again my buttons of guilt and shame are pushed. Now that I'm conscious of it, I'm purposely aiming to counter that by diving into a list of 100 appreciations! Maybe if you are feeling some quandaries about gratitude, too, maybe this idea of 100 appreciations will help you shift, too. I'm posting mine below just to share with all of you. If you do your own list, feel free to leave comment or response here to share it or give us link to visit your blog entry on this topic.
And be gentle with yourselves this season!
Kara's list of 100 Appreciations
The friends and family who celebrated hope with us when we married and found we were pregnant -- and then mourned with us when hope felt lost at Kota's death
The long term relationships that have surfed the ups and downs and still feed each of us to this day -- marriage, first best friends, college roommates, the friends who knew me before I knew how to throw a punch properly :)
The nurse on duty when Kota died, who honored my request to not see him but also took the time to take his photos, footprints, and clips of hair because she knew I would change my mind
Hawk and his willingness to meet me each day exactly where I am, and his expectation that I am perfectly response-able to do the same for him
Our grandkids who make me realize that life and laughter can layer and exist in the same moment with death and tears -- and neither diminishes the other.
The makers of Riven. In the extreme overwhelm of grief, we escaped to Riven. I think if we had not had that place to go, we might have lost "it" completely.
Friends who are willing to accept that I want to be invited but who also understand when I turn the invitations down
The perfection of Deborah's ginger spice lattes complete with foam heART. Lattes with Love!
Dr. Jo's vision for the MISS Foundation and willingness to share her heART after her own daughter's death. She saved me more than once!
All the volunteers at the MISS Foundation who tirelessly make sure the conferences happen, the forums are available, materials and connects are made for families anywhere in the world.
Access to a much bigger world than the one I grew up in...the Net makes it so possible to see beyond limitations.
Rituals that come with memorial days, Days of the Dead, hospice care. I know now that life and death are equal partners. You can't have one without the other. Their value is equal.
My ability to write, expressing whatever is going on inside.
Technology that let's me take my writing outside the static page and reach people around the world.
Connections with other heARTists to share work and supplies and ideas
The ocean, not just for its beauty and ceaseless comfort, but because it can take it when I come to the edge and stand there yelling and throwing rocks at her.
The chances I had to see into the establishment and see clearly where I choose something different
The ability to express creativity in all things, not just heART, but in living a different, weird life
The misfits song from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer animation
The outcasts table
The first hairdresser to dye my hair pink
The ability to be surrounded by people, but still create time alone.
Rumi
Naomi Shihab Nye
Political insights of Aaron Sorkin
The two birds who made a nest and hatched their new family just outside the window of my office. Mrs. Bird, I will always appreciate the way you wrapped ribbon thru the weave of your nest.
Miriam Greenspan's vision and acceptance of the dark emotions
Sherene's insights to inner critic and power of demon, channeled thru hero
Staycations
The library system. I think my very being was shaped by libraries. From the New Ken library where I got my first card and went to kids reading time and eventually worked. To the Carnegie where I hid away, studied, dreamed, and eventually worked. To the island library where I can search and find anything from anywhere in the world. I have yet to work there, though they have hired me to do henna for Teens Nite, so I guess I eventually worked at this library, too!
And of course all the librarians within that system who have laughed, searched, and taught! You are all amazing, and none of you are paid anything close towhat you are worth!
Friends who could reflect for me, all the things I could not see directly yet.
Museums. I never met a single one of you that I didn't appreciate. Some of you, I've even wanted desperately to live inside of!!!
Knowing the value of my time and work. Makes me appreciate the time and work of others.
People who continue to seek peaceful solutions even in the face of war and violence
People who can see beyond any defined "reality"
People who can sit with you and allow you to be real as your heart can be
People who allow you to sit with them and witness their hearts as real as can be
Staring at blue blue skies
Blowing bubbles whenever I want
Madonna's music for making kitchen cleaning something other than a chore
All the parents who have shared their stories with me. I'm honored to witness your heARTs and so appreciate knowing I'm not alone
The first teacher to guide my bod into yoga and appreciation of the edges of my bod
The henna plant
The ancient line of heARTists who kept henna traditions alive up to this very day
Seeds of food
Seeds of thought
Seeds of being
Meditation & Visualization
Access to clean water
Access to safe, dry, warm shelter
Access to energy
Access to wilderness
Hoots of owls
Croaks of huge families of frogs
Sound and wind of the bats at dusk flying thru the canyon of the creek bed
The mysticism of Mt. Rainier
Access to the history and stories and art of Kabuki and Ghosts
Silence of the wee hours
The softness of the blankets of our bed
The fact that it is our bed and not just my bed. I know time together is precious and goes by all too quickly.
Getting to see the kids grow up and become their very own people
The tastebuds with which I sense the most luxurious of things like dark bitter chocolate, triple bergamot earl grey, and pumpkin spice lattes.
The realization that in this moment all is as it is, nothing to be done. Not judging thru past hurt or future pacing hop, but right now, this quiet moment in the dark of night, silence of the house, howling of the wind, all is as it is, period.
The printing press and all it brought
Films. Silent. Talkie. In theater. On dvd. In cameras, thought I guess now it would be the memory card. Or maybe it isn't even the pieces of equipment as much as it is appreciation of Image. How image is captured. Manipulated. Seen. Hidden. Shared.
Imagination.
Blanket Houses.
Tea parties with the dollies and stuffed animals.
Saris and fancy, glittery materials and scarves.
Sharing a piece of pie with another.
Giving up my seat on the bus to one who needs it so much more
Hearing and seeing how an artist makes their art
Supplier and maker of every bit of art material I use in any way shape or form
Nose rings
Seeing meteor showers and falling stars
Every night we get on the beach at La Push
Every moment that I draw breath because I know one of these times I'll go to inhale and it won't happen
The fact that love is stronger and more enduring than grief
The feel of Hawk standing near me
The way Hawk's hand feels when holding mine
Each and every time (and it is never enough) that I get into warm salt water pool or ocean
Friends who model for me that anything is possible
Being scared and doing it anyway
Foodbanks - the lives saved there
Sitting in my own yard watching the chickens come and go
Watching eagles soar for miles
Sleep when I am finally tired
Iced tea on a hot day, with feet dipped in a cool pool, hours and hours in the water
Jizo gardens
Anyone who cleans up after themselves
People who pick up litter are saints
The view of the windmills above the Columbia River
Purple hair dye that smells like bubblegum
Simmer of cinnamon cider on a stove top making the whole house feel palpable
When I remember to pause instead of react
Glass that has been worn smooth by tumbling in the ocean
People who can see the whole world and still be with me in this tiny moment, too
Peter's Flying Soulo music
Living, such that, if I die today, I would not regret.
The time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
MISS Foundation Helps Traumatized Families in the Center for Loss and Trauma
The MISS Foundation, through the Center for Loss and Trauma, is opening their doors to help families suffering traumatic loss. Traumatic experiences traverse culture, ethnicity, socioeconomic class, religion, and region. No one is exempt. In the midst of such psychological despair, there is a sense of grief that cannot be explained or described or captured or contained.
The Center for Loss and Trauma is one place where compassionate psychotherapy, counseling, and research can occur, as well as the bridging of vitally important supportive resources to help families in need. Located in North Phoenix, this unique center specializes in providing services to those affected by traumatic experiences, death, grief, and various types of loss. The Center for Loss and Trauma also serves military families, those coping with the death of a child, bereaved families, those affected by natural and mass disasters, victims of crime, families going through divorce or separation, and those suffering reproductive losses.
The mission of center is to C.A.R.E. for the most vulnerable members of society by providing highly specialized, expert counseling to those affected by traumatic loss; advocating with others so they may find hope, healing, and happiness in the aftermath of trauma; providing a place where compassionate research can occur; and educating individuals and society at large about the experiences of the bereaved. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, LMSW and CEO, is a researcher and an expert family and individual therapist in the field of traumatic death and bereavement. Kathy Crowley, LCSW, has extensive experience working with individuals with chronic illness, abuse, and family stress.
The MISS Foundation is a non-profit family bereavement organization which offers free services to bereaved parents and siblings. Psychotherapy is provided on a sliding scale basis to those in need.
Dr. Cacciatore passionately explains, “Society’s only appropriate response is offer unconditional support and compassionate care so that one day, having been upheld and cared for, those who have suffered from such trauma can reach out their hand to help another. It is the only way to truly heal. “
11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day A Day of Healing for Survivors of Suicide Loss Around the U.S. and the World On Saturday, November 21, 2009, simultaneous conferences for survivors of suicide loss will take place throughout the U.S. and internationally. This unique network of healing conferences helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, and express and understand the powerful emotions they experience.
Each conference site is organized locally, but they’re all connected in spirit as participants across the globe watch a special 90-minute AFSP broadcast together on that day. In the U.S., conference sites will show the broadcast together from 1-2:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and international sites will show it from 1-2:30 p.m. local time. Many conference sites plan their own local programs around the broadcast, including panels and breakout groups, all aimed at helping survivors heal.
For those survivors of suicide loss who don't live near a conference site or who find it difficult to attend in person, the 90-minute broadcast will also be available live on the AFSP website from 1-2:30 pm, Eastern Standard Time, with a live online chat immediately following the program. It will then be saved on the website so that survivors can watch it again throughout the year at anytime. For more information see the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: http://www.afsp.org
19 heARTists explored what Day of the Dead means to them, created art in response and re-member-ing, and share it with us to celebrate this year's holiday.
The Blog Fest has lots of photos sharing their artworks. Many of our collaborators are also bereaved parents. And we have opened a Mister Linky for the event. So we invite you to do a post on your blog for Day of the Dead, too, then come to our Fest and add your link so we know to visit and remember at your place, too.
Also on the Fest post, you'll find a link to a PDF file of the free photo book from this heART collaboration. It is full of rich colors, intense details, and some of the artists added their stories of what the are and Day of the Dead mean to them. You just right mouse click on the link there to save your own personal copy of the book.
Whatever you do this weekend, be gentle with you. Tend to whatever your BEing calls out for, let your heart be tended, too. Remembering all your children as we remember our son here for this holiday. Miracles, k-
Pregnancy Loss, Infant & Child Death Awareness... Entire month of October & Candlelighting October 15th
It's a day for raising awareness and honoring the memory of the all the children we love who left this physical world too soon. There are many support resources and organization offering comfort to bereaved families now, and we wanted to take some time today to highlight what is available.
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You are invited to the wave of light. Tonight October 15th, at 7pm in your time zone, please consider lighting a candle to honor all the children being remembered today. As we each light candles across the earth, we are creating a wave of remembrance, a community that transcends all our differences. The official site for this wave of light is at: http://www.october15th.com
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Today is October 15th and the MISS Foundation recognizes "Infant and Child Death Awareness Day".
Children die around the world from many causes and at various ages. It is a tragedy that traverses culture, ethnicity, socioeconomic class, religion, and region. No one is exempt. It is a sense of grief and loss that cannot be explained or described or captured or contained. It is truly interminable.
Society's only appropriate response is to offer unconditional, loving support to these families so that one day, having been upheld and cared for, they can help another. It is the only way to truly heal, individually and collectively, from such incomprehensible suffering.
And so on the eve of October 15th, we honor all the children who died too soon, and the families who suffer in their absence.
Together, we heal, help, and, eventually, transcend our place in the world... eventually, there may be beauty from pain...
And while you are there, check out her whole blog. She's got wonderful articles and ideas for doing memorial scrapbooking and remembering rituals.
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The Sweet Pea Project offers an Art Gallery called "Beauty In the Breakdown" which hosts expressive arts pieces by and for bereaved parents. Stephanie is open to new contributions for the gallery there. You might write poetry, paint, do carvings, scrapbooking. Whatever your medium, if you have expressive art you'd like to share in honor and memory of a child who died, please click over and visit The Sweet Pea Project.
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The Delaware Grief Consortium is taking grief awareness into the month of November, too. They are hosting a Grief Arts Festival on November 8th, open to the public that day, but they also still have applications posted for submission of art to be included in the festival. Click over there and see how you can participate.
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Sherokee over at Babies Remembered and Wintergreen Press has a great newsletter issue out this month! All her newsletters are great, and they are currently offering subscriptions for $25, a discounted rate good till Oct. 31! In this issue, she includes information about her experiences in New Zealand -- I love Vicki Culling there with SANDS and have learned so much from her work! Sherokee also gives information about Dr. Peter Barr -- another one of my all time favorite inspirations who was the first to give me the lesson that, "There is no prescription for grief that fits every person's experience!" You'll find the newsletter here:
CREATIVE OPPORTUNITY: The MISSing Ingredients Cookbook Deadline Extended
MISS is creating a hard cover re-member-ing cookbook, and we need your recipes and memories/dedications in honor of your children to be a part of this publication.
The original deadline has been extended. We don’t know for exactly how long. We are excited to report that we have celebrities who are sharing their recipes and dedications AND we also have additional sponsors, which allows us to make a bigger and better cookbook! First 400 recipes and memories submitted will be published in the book.
NOTE: If you ordered your cookbook prior to this message the delivery date was expected to be in December. That delivery date has been moved to the Spring of 2010, in time for Mothers Day 2010. And 100% of the proceeds to benefit MISS!
For those of you who have already submitted your recipes and dedications in the last couple of weeks, THANK YOU!! And for those of you who submitted your recipes a few years ago, send me an email. I did receive a list of those recipes, but I want to be sure that I have yours. And if you have not sent content yet, please consider contributing to the cookbook today! There is NO FEE to submit your recipe and memory!!
1. Visit http://www.fundcraft.com 2. Enter WEB ID: 13500-09VA (a password is not required) 3. Click on "Short/cut Online" 4. Select (2) in drop down for # of parts in multi-part recipe 5. Select menu category from drop down 6. Enter Recipe Title 7. Enter Ingredients 8. Enter Recipe directions in Method section 9. Title your Memory in the Part 2 Subheading 10. Skip Ingredients section of Part 2 11. Enter your dedication in the second Method section 12. Hit Submit ***YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A CONFIRMATION THAT YOUR RECIPE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY RECEIVED**** (the software isn’t designed to provide a confirmation, if you have a question as to whether your recipe was received email: Kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org)
Frustrated, confused, it just doesn't make sense???? Email your recipe and memory to: kathy.sandler@missfoundation.org
If you are looking for Creative prompts to help you shift perspective, express what you are feeling, explore your own grief path, please check out the prompts we have:
Creative Prompt: Let go, Let go art & prompt by Kara L.C. Jones
Sometimes we have to "clean house" to clear out clutter and make way for whatever is to come next in our lives. It's not an easy thing to do. And "cleaning house" is not the same as "get over it" attitudes.
The "get over it" attitude says there is something wrong with you, a piece of you that must be defended, where often the pressure to fix this piece is exerted from outside yourself. The "clean house" attitude I'm referring to here says there's nothing wrong with anything about you nor your dreams, passions, hopes-- AND it's time to clear some head space, physical space, spiritual space to determine what is really important. The "clean house" phenomenon comes up of our own volition and FEELS GOOD!
As is my usual way, I'll make this clear by giving you a concrete exercise and then a more sweeping look at a personal experience.
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First is a very real poetry exercise you can try. This is something you can do everyday. Take a few moments in your morning to clear your head. Breathe deeply, let all the muscles in your face relax, sit in a comfortable position, and leave all your thoughts on the floor. You can pick them up off the floor when we are done, but for now, leave the buzz of your thoughts on the floor. Think only of this moment, feel the muscles in your face drop and relax. Now open your favorite book of poetry, or a brand new book of poetry, or a borrowed book of poetry. Open it randomly to any page. Close your eyes and point to a spot on the random page. Open your eyes and read the one line closest to your finger.
Read only that one line.
Read it again.
Read it out loud. Out loud again.
Now sit quietly with that one line.
Close the book. If you have time to write, do so. If not, go on with your day. Let the one line come back to you again and again throughout the day. At the end of the day, make time to write about what that line did to you during the day.
This is a concrete example of cleaning house at the beginning of the day, making way for a new line to influence and affect you, and then writing about the effect this had on you.
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In a larger way, we sometimes need to do this in our lives. I can offer only my personal story on this in order to explain it. My story isn't your story. The details are not the same for any of us. But this is my personal path with this more sweeping version of the "cleaning house" exercise.
Since my son died in 1999, my husband and I have worked hard to build something meaningful and worthwhile at KotaPress. We've worked more than double time twice over between us. We do have our sanity. We do have the awesome support of others who walk this path of grief and healing and understand the long term need for support. We do have this grass roots movement-- it's a little like hospice was 20 years ago, when providing long term care for families facing the end of a loved one's life was considered weird, novel, odd-- only we are providing support (which is not yet recognized by our society as something worth while) for the beginning of life/end of life and all it's consequences. (Side note: Sure Hallmark can make cards about the death of your pet, but gawd forbid we should acknowledge the stillbirth of a child!) By helping other parents find ways to survive after the deaths of their children, we are of course helping ourselves to find ways to survive since the death of our son. It is awesome and meaningful work. Neither of us wishes to do any other kind of work in this life time.
But that decision has consequences. It's very difficult to keep a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house on this kind of work. It's very difficult for family and friends who walk the traditional paths of "real jobs" with "real paychecks" to understand this choice. It's very difficult for anyone who hasn't lost a child suddenly to an unexpected death to understand the choice to fight for a kind of work that is meaningful but doesn't exactly build a retirement fund. People you love come to think you are "unstable" "irresponsible" and maybe even "in need of help so you can get over it and move on to a real job, get back on your feet." (Side note: Most people don't know that Walt Disney went bankrupt before he could make his plans for Disney work.)
Yes it's heartbreaking to hear negativity when we continue to need love and support more than we need judgment. But guess what? We have love and support from our own hearts for ourselves and the path we choose! And you know what? I've discovered that the house, the stuff, even the "steady paycheck" are not all that important. And even the "approval" of those who once meant the most to me really doesn't mean all that much anymore. I know my heart in a way that I'd never known it before my son died. And I know what I want to fight for this lifetime.
1) My marriage 2) All we've built with KotaPress 3) Continuing the legacy of Mrs. Duck 4) My continued artistic expression
I don't need 3 bedrooms for these things. I don't need STUFF for these things. I don't need friends and family with negative attitudes based in fear for these things. And so out the door goes all the STUFF! Donations, auctions, yard sales! Hooray! And with it, goes these things that once sucked energy from me. Less to move. Less to store. Less to dust and clean. Less to keep track of. Less to worry about. Less overhead. Less need to justify my life to others.
And what has this clearing brought for me? A renewal in the faith and love in my husband's eyes when he looks at me. A faith the Mrs. Duck and her message are bigger than stuff, bigger than me, bigger than the doubts of well meaning friends and family. A mobility we've wanted for a long time. We've long talked about working our "mission" no matter where we are on this Earth. Mrs. Duck speaks just as loudly regardless of the language she uses, you know.
My point here is this: I had to take all the STUFF of my life out of my head and hands and put it on the floor for awhile. I had to randomly open my heart, close my eyes, and point at the things that were left. I had to hold the question of my marriage in my hands. I had to roll Mrs. Duck around in my clear head. And when the day was said and done, I didn't want any of that STUFF that I had put on the floor. So I swept it out the door and wished it well. And now my hands and head are open to the calling of my heart.
I don't know what my heart will have me do. I don't know where it will lead. (Side note: It took Edison something like 9,000 tries before he managed to make the light bulb work. He is quoted as saying, "I haven't even failed once. 9,000 times I've learned what doesn't work.") But I do know I'll be with my husband. I do know I'll be honoring my son's life and creating a legacy from his death. I do know I'll be writing and reading and talking to people who understand or who are actually trying to understand. I do know I'll be learning from them. And, frankly, there isn't anything else in the world I'd rather do.
Miracles to you!
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About the Author & Artist Kara L.C. Jones is Grief & Creativity Coach over at MotherHenna.com.
All rights reserved, KotaPress, 2008, this blog is excerpt and part of Kota Loss & Compassion Journal, ISSN 1931-342X, registered with the Library of Congress. Please contact us if you'd like permission to reprint or license.
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MISS Foundation Conference
